hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
