I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
