i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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