your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
