I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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