I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
