In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
