just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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