I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
