yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
