just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
