you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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