You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
