She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
