even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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