So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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