I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
