Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
