Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
