My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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