I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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