You smell like stripper and shame
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
