is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
