I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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