No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
