I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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