Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
