Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
