Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
