there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
