I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
