I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
