Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
