i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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