The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
