I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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