I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
