Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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