I bet he comes in French.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's blow job season.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
