K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
