god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
