Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome

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(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(734): View more from Michigan

you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(517): View more from Michigan

Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present

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