I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
