...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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