I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
