I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
