it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
