To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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