1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
