Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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